2 Filipinos walk into the bar...

So two filipino women come in. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. We all have a way of smelling our own. They were probably in their mid 50's. One had glasses the size of magnifying glasses and a sweater that looked like a throw back from the 70's. The second wore a blouse with big print and a scarf around her neck. She was smart enough to put a black blazer over her ensemble to hide the loud print of her shirt that made her stand out like a neon sign. They sit down in my section and begin to go over the menu. I watch intently as the back waiter delivers water to them and I make my entrance.

RED: Good afternoon ladies, I will be your waiter. Would you like anything to drink while you look over the menu?

Filipina1: Oh I would like to have a... (scans through the menu, squinting hard with her eyes as her bifocals turn the blur before her into words...)

Filipina2: Sus dalian mo naghinhintay siya! Nakakahiya para kang di marunong bumasa!
**hurry up, he's waiting. Its so embarrassing, its like you don't know how to read.**

Filipina1: Ah pakialam ko, bulag ako noh?
**what do I care, I'm blind!**

Filipina2: Oh ako nalang o-order para sa iyo. **I'll be the one to order for you** Could we have one cosmopolitan and one apple martini?

I normally have two ways of confronting these kinds of situations. Sometimes I let them know I'm Filipino too so I can talk to them in tagalog and share news and insights about Filipino hot spots in the city... Other times I pretend to be Chinese, Japanese, or Mexican so I can listen in on their conversations and laugh. As you're probably guessing I kept quiet. I took their order looked around like I wasn't interested when they would squabble between themselves at the table while I patiently stood there waiting for their decisions.

F2: Anong klaseng pagkain nito?
**what kind of food is this?**

F1: German! (with much authority)

I smiled and tried not to laugh as the food is actually a mixture of french, moroccan, greek, and american. She said it with so much conviction that I couldn't find it in my heart to correct her.

They finally order their entrees and look up at me for the first time. The first lady smiles up at me and pretending like I'm not there asks her friend

F1: Uy Pilipino kaya ito?
**do you think this one is Filipino?**
F2: Ssssssh hintayin mo umalis, baka pinoy nga...
**Ssshhhh wait for him to leave, he might be...**

As if on cue, I turn with the menus in hand and walk away, just in time to cover my smile. Its so strange because from that point on they were watching me like hawks. Discussing every inch of me, disecting every feature. It was almost scientific

F2: Instik ata!
**I think he's chinese**
F1: Pwede, pero baka meksikano, tignan mo nage-espanyol siya oh. Medyo kamukha niya yung isa, baka magkapatid!
**he could be a mexican, look he's speaking spanish. He kind of looks like the other guy, maybe they're brothers.**
F2: Boba, kung magkapatid sila ba't isa weyter, at isa tagalinis ng mesa?
**stupid, if they are brothers why is one a waiter and the other a bus boy?**
F1: Aba malay ko, baka bobo lang yung isa...
**I don't know maybe the other one is stupid**
F2: Ikaw lang ang boba dito hahahahaha
**you're the only stupid one here hahahahaha**

So all through their meal I would catch glances and measuring looks. Two pairs of eyes trying to fathom my ethnicity. I was surprised they just didn't ask me, I wouldn't have denied it...

F2: Itanong mo itanong mo, di ako makakain eh
**ask him ask him, I can't eat!**
F1: Kakahiya eh, para tayong namboboso... natatakot ata siya sa atin eh.
**its embarassing, its like we're peeping toms. I think he's getting scared of us.**
F2: Ikaw kasi parang kakainin mo siya pagtumingin, dapat pasimple ka.
**its because you look at him like you're going to eat him, you have to play it simple**
F1: Kamukha niya kasi apo ko eh...
**he looks like my grandson**
F2: Lahat ng mga nakikita mo, kamukha ng apo mo. Basta't lalaki, itim ang buhok at singkit, kamukha ng apo mo. Tumatanda ka na bruha!
**everyone you see looks like your grandson. As long as they're male with black hair and slanty eyes they look like your grandson. You're getting old witch!**
F1: Tahimik ka diyan puta!
**be quiet there bitch!**
F1 and F2: hahahahahahahahah!
**hahahahahahahaha!**

And just like that they gave up on the mystery of my origins. I think they both decided I was chinese based on the mahjong tiles I was wearing on my wrist. Another table asked me about them and I explained to them what they are.

F1: Galing mag-espanyol tong intsik na to. May halo siguro, baka half spanish siya.
**this chinese is good at spanish. He must be mixed, maybe he's half spanish.**
F2: Meksikano siguro, tignan mo kulay niya, laki pa ng ulo.
**Mexican I think, look at his color and his big head**

After they paid their check I smiled and waited for them to walk out the door. Just as they were stepping out I said. "Salamat Po!" **Thank You** The look on their face was priceless...